The liquid burns

So basically having explained my general thought process about the whole thing, I still hope you like me, reader. You may think I'm incorrect about the shit I said prior. Let me know lay out for you my rationale.

I had been prescribed klonopins in the past, briefly. I did not die. It had been well over a year since I had done one, and one was offered and I took it. Recreationally, because I was not in front of a doctor determining if there was a need for me taking this.

I took them very briefly for high anxiety when I was first schizophrenic, dealt with the anxiety once it wasn't so bad, and stopped taking them.

I barely deal with my schizophrenia, now that I have dealt with it.

I took the klonopin and went to meet some new people through my buddy Lars.

By the time we get there, the klonopin starts kicking in, working on the chemical GABA in the brain, and basically inhibiting my thought process. This is a bare bones, least scientifical explanation of what a benzo does, and they do it in different ways, but it amps the inhibitory process in your brain which means you are generally not thinking so much. Your thoughts are calmer, and there's less of them.

So I became mellow. I had no anxieties. Fine by me.

Lar's friends want to play Texas hold em. I played maybe three times in Austin Texas three years ago, and just recently played about four games with a college student who spends a lot of her time playing online and brought some of my friends.

Readers let me tell you that I am horrible at this game. I do not know how to read people, I can't figure out straight or flush possibilties, I never see more than a pair or two pair or three of a kind. I bet horribly and usually lose fairly quickly on our dollar games, and will buy myself back in one more time, just because everybody is still playing, and I don't feel like going home. I'd like to last until the winner. But even some friends of mine that I'd bring over, some having only played once, did much better than I. My confidence in my poker playing is in the dumps, and I am trying to learn the game. A lot of times I have a hard time telling who's turn it is. I think I have illustrated my abysmal newbie skills enough.

At this dude's house one guy plays fairly regularly, one guy played three times a week for two semesters last year, and lars has been playing about as much as I, but usually does really well.

However, I am not anxious about looking like an idiot in front of these people. I want to learn this game. And for some strange reason, on this klonopin my thoughts are coming through linearally as opposed to making leaps and jumps and tangents, which is good for being really smart and getting your professors to like you, but not good for when you're trying to concentrate on simple shit. My thought process was inhibited at a nice comfortable place. I could stay on target in my head for what I needed to think about and was completing it to fruition instead of branching off possibilities. Also, in my relaxed state of mind, I was coming to better conclusions about things.

So I thought, let's play the game, and let's just try to be smart about it again. Learn from a mistake, look for opportunities, think of how you could improve. Simple shit.

My poker playing up to this game was a lot like how I approach math homework up til the test. I make every mistake in the book and not in the book, realize why it is a mistake, and then when the test rolls around I make a perfect score. Seemed like a sound strategy.

So perhaps this is the way I was approaching my poker games. Maybe this was the test, they were all better players. I also had the excellent opportunity to learn from them.

I looked at my hole cards (if you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, get off my fucking blog and never come back I am only being silly to you) and I calculated the odds of me getting a pair. Simple enough, seemed like a good strategy until I realized, not knowing the cards the other players had, I had to assume a 3/52 ratio per card, 6/52 for getting a pair, and hold on let me try to figure out the math for getting two pair. If I want to do computer science, I have to be good at math, so I am trying to use it more daily in my life. No, I can't figure it out, I am tirede.

However, with practice, I was able to weigh the odds of other things happening, and make my bets accordingly. This had never occured to me before. It sounded like a pretty good strategy to start off with. I had no idea whether or not it was beneficial, but it should get me started down a good path. Maybe it would be a waste of time, but my other strategies hadn't worked for me so far, so why not try this.

This started to help me out. I was basically learning better odds.

I studied a number of other things. The game wasn't rushed, like the ones I've played before, where everybody is always trying to make a quick decision. I brought this up in the card game, and the veteran goes "That is stupid, trying to make quick decisions."

I thought perhaps the people I played with that were good already knew there stuff really well. The people in the game who weren't that experienced weren't taking their time either, because I suppose they really weren't thinking about it, but in this game, with better players, they generally took their time before moves. I learned that a better poker player takes his time to think things through, which you would think would be obvious, yet I had not seen it validated.